my friend, blade

I love the feel of it... i love how it makes me feel... when i touches me it.. it releases all my pain.... and all the anger i have against myself. when those marks on my wrist brush against something... i feel that sting it brings... the pain it brings....... my pain... and yet it feels so good to let it out this way..... i realize that i deserve this pain.. that this blade brings me.... and for the reason i go to this blade.... are secretive and yet i want to tell everyone about them.. yet no one listens... so when no one listens.. to me... i go the one thing that will actually listen my friend the blade... and yes i know this is bad...

so for now i go back to the blade.... for it gives me the pain i deserve... for going back to it in the first place...

That Feeling...

i hate That Feeling.... of unwantedness... of loneliness... of hatred... of feeling that you cant do anything right.... yet your screaming inside.... you feel like your gonna explode... and yet no one can relate to what you feel... you try to explain.. but it never comes out right. so then you just sit there... feeling this way... wanting to die.. cuz This Feeling is unexplainable.... i feel it every so often.... it comes and goes... but when it comes... i just wanna crawl up in a hole and die.... when it comes... i just cant explain it.. it hurts so much.... and it always has to do with something i did wrong.... to make it worse is when no one even realizes it... your just there and they go on with their lives... it makes you think sometimes.... why doesn't anyone recognize me like this.. i feel different and i can feel That Feeling creeping toward me... why doesn't anyone else see it...??

so ill ask myself.... why cant i do things right...so i wont have to feel That Feeling....?

mirror

well..

its hard you know.. to act like i really like myself.. i hate it.. sometimes i feel pretty.. but then i see myself and i just wanna punch something... i hate it i hate feeling this way... like im never gonna be good enough.. or pretty enough.. i hear what people say about me... i just usually ignore it, but it always goes thru my head at the end of the night.. its hard.. to sit in a room with all these other girls.. seeing what they look like.. everytime feeling so insecure...hiding myself... im not them and i know this.. but why is it that they have to be so much more prettier than me! its not fair.. but i guess thats life.. never fair and it will never be thats why we have to live it the way it is.... And i know that looks arent important... ive got the brains.. im sure of that! but why cant i feel good about myself.. to walk into a room and feel like i dont have to hide.. to not have to run away from myself...

And ill wish.. to not hate myself.. but this feeling overwelms me.....

~Jenna